Paschendale FC
Victoria Aut Mors
Separated at Birth
One is a fictional character from a universe far, far away, the other is Admiral Akbar, Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance Fleet
Stephen withdrew from the Republic of Ireland international squad following the Euro 2008 qualifier against Slovakia. When the game ended the manager Stephen Staunton told him that they had taken a call from his then girlfriend,and she had claimed that Stephen's grandmother had died. Stephen Staunton, later challenged Stephen Ireland on the circumstances, as Mr Plod had discovered that his maternal grandmother was not dead
Great Football Quotes
The Players
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
- Ian Rush Liverpool player of the 80's
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison - English player 90's
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka -Newcastle player at present and Aussie International
We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George Ndah had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
- David Beckham
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
- Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus
'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
- Gary Lineker
'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones
The Managers
'When a player gets to 30, so does his body.' - Glen Hoddle
'I was a young lad when I was growing up.' - David O'Leary
'Home advantage gives you an advantage.' - Bobby Robson
'It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result.'
- Graham Taylor
'We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match.' - Ruud Gullit
'The philosophy of a lot of European teams, even in home matches, is not to give a goal away.' - Alex Ferguson
'In a year's time, he's a year older.' - Bobby Robson
'The first 90 minutes are the most important.' - Bobby Robson
'Shearer could be at 100% fitness, but not peak fitness.'
- Graham Taylor
'As I've said before and I've said it in the past...' - Kenny Dalglish
'He was a player that hasn't had to use his legs even when he was nineteen years of age because his first two yards were in his head.'
- Glenn Hoddle
'I've seen them on television on a Sunday morning most days of the week.' - Jack Charlton
'People always remember the second half.' - Graham Taylor
'If they hadn't scored, we would've won.' - Howard Wilkinson
'Paolo Di Canio is capable of scoring the goal he scored.'
- Bryan Robson
'It was a game we should have won. We lost it because we thought we were going to win it. But then again, I thought that there was no way we were going to get a result there.' - Jack Charlton
'We keep kicking ourselves in the foot.' - Ray Wilkins
'I have a number of alternatives, and each one gives me something different.' - Glenn Hoddle
'Of the nine red cards this season we probably deserved half of them.'
- Arsene Wenger
'It wasn't going to be our day on the night.' - Bryan Robson
'Very few of us have any idea whatsoever of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl,except, of course, for those of us who are goldfish.'
- Graham Taylor
'If you can't stand the heat in the dressing room, get out of the kitchen.'
- Terry Venables
The Announcers
'He's 31 this year: last year he was 30.' - David Coleman
'The ageless Dennis Wise, now in his thirties.' - Martin Tyler
'The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.' David Coleman
'Peru score their third, and It's 3-1 to Scotland.' David Coleman
'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.' - David Coleman
'Ian Rush is deadly 10 times out of 10, but that wasn't one of them.' - Peter Jones
'Neil Sullivan has stopped absolutely everything have thrown at him...Wimbledon 1, Manchester United 1.' - Mike Ingham
'This will be their 19th consecutive game without a win unless they can get an equaliser.' - Alan Green
'Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin.'
- Mike Ingham
'Such a positive move by Uruguay - bringing 2 players off and putting 2 players on.' - John Helm
'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.'
- Radio 5 live
'The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.' - Mike Ingham
'Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value for their nil.' - Barry Davies
'West Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past anyone yet - that's his trademark.' - John Helm
'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.' - Alan Green
'It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.' - Derek Rae
'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.'
- John Greig
'And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0.' - Ian Darke
'The USA are a goal down, and if they don't get a goal they'll lose.'
- John Helm
'I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of that final I stand by that prediction.' - Archie MacPherson
'McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee.' - Martin Tyler
'It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.'
- Alan Green
'Lukic saved with his foot, which is all part of the goalkeeper's arm.'
- Barry Davies
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' - David Acfield
'Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of zebras.' - Peter Jones
'Forest have now lost six matches without winning.' - David Coleman
The A to Z of Sunday Football
Alcohol
A compulsory post match habit, and for some teams, a pre match one too. Anyone who does not parttake in a few bevvies with the lads should be regarded with the utmost suspicion
Ball
The ball must be hard and dull and not at all shiny and bouncy like it looks on tv. If Amnesty International knew how much it hurt when it hit the inside of your thigh it would be outlawed
Council Pitch
Must have an incredibly strong prevailing wind with dips and bumps that defenders can hide in to ambush unsuspecting wingers. That one area of the park can also hold an unusual amount of water keeping the pitch waterlogged until it freezes over
Defenders
At least one defender must be slow and unpopular to make the rest of the team feel better about themselves
Eternity
The time it takes a game to run its course when you are a shivering substitute with purple legs and goosebumps the size of duck eggs. Eternity x2 if you have been coerced into running the line
Flatulence
At least one member of the team must be famed for his changing room prowess for breaking wind. In some leagues this passes for pre match entertainment
Girlfriend
Stands behind the goal for the first few matches distracting your players and causing you to lose matches. Thankfully disappears when it starts getting really cold
Hold Ups
Often occur at this level when you have to wait for the game two matches down to halt before you can retrieve your ball after a wayward shot. If Peter Crouch had to walk across a stream and up a muddy embankment everytime he blasted the ball over the ball he wouldnt try so many of those flashy over head kicks, I can tell you
Injuries
Every Sunday evening the Royal Infirmary's casualty waiting room is full of Sunday footballers with brown congealed blood on their socks and each accompanied by a miserable team mate who was conned into giving him a lift and must now wait with him. He is missing his Sunday Dinner, the live match on tv and is wondering how he will ever get the blood stains off his back seat
January
Traditionally the month where the number of available players the coach has to choose from falls below eleven
Kit
Council pitch fashion used to be approximately ten years behind that of real football. In the late 80's we had to play in nipple scratching sandpaper shirts which made elastoplast an essential component of your kit bag. With the advent of shirt sponsorship these days Sunday footballers can get lace up collar shadow weave glistening umbro shirts at the same time as Mancester United. And the tradition that all players must wear different coloured socks seem to have gone out of the window
Losers
Every division of every league has to have a team that ends the season with statistics like these: P20 W0 D0 L20 F8 A195 Pts0 Swindons admirable attempt to introduce this concept to the Premier League in 93/94 failed when they accidently beat QPR
Mud
All Sunday footballers have a special relationship with mud. They know what it feels like to sit in, what it tases like and what it feels like to scrape off your boots when they have been in a plastic bag for twelve weeks. Most council pitches resemble the Somme between October and March each year
New Boots
Will be scrutinesed by every member of your team and worn with pride for the first two weeks before being consigned to a plastic bag in the cupboard under the stairs to produce enough fungus for David Attenborough to make a new tv series
Offside
A rule guarenteed to create violence and disorder when a substitute fails to award a blantant decision against his own team
Posts
Will need to be netted before the game can commence, by the home side, or rather half of the home side. The players who fancy themselves a bit and see this chore as below them will tap a ball around and give helpful advice to the contructors. Every now and again, these players will send in a few hard shots towards goal, hitting the net and the people doing the work. Rule 78 states that the goal assemblers must then turn to the offender to ask why he cant do that during a game. Much merriment will ensue at this hilarious quip
Quilt
Something that sane people are snuggly wrapped up in on a sunday morning
Ringers
That crap team that you turned over 8-2 in the league is suddenly full of large, brilliant players for the league cup quarter final. How can it be?
Substitute
Enticed to the game after firm promises of a full apearance from the captain in the pub on saturday night. Cant believe he has fallen for it again
Transport
There must always be one bloke left stranded in the car park after all the exhaust fumes have died away
Tackle/Tattoo
Dont tackle someone who has a tattoo
Unpretentious Names
Under Sunday League rules, unpretentious club names are firmly outlawed. Thus the 'Red Lion Beckenham' must become 'PSV Beckenham', while eleven hooligans from london will take the to the field as 'Borussia Munchen Hackney'
Vest
Anyone who wears a vest under his shirt shall be deemed a shandy-drinking poodle-walking noodle-armed choirboy by his team mates
Werewolf
Each team must have a large player with a big beard and headband
Xray
Something you may well need after going in for a 50/50 challenge with the bloke with the tattoo
Yelling
Favourite captain's yells - "We are not talking", "Wheres the urgency" and "AWAY" as a corner is floated over. Must be accompanied by clapping
Zeal
A great deal of fervour, keenness and enthusiasm is required to be a club secretary. If you are the one who has to pick up the phone to find out where the hell half of your team has got to while the rest of them kick stones around the car park, telling tales of last nights drinking exploits and complaining about the clubs organisation - keep going, youre doing a grand job!
